An Ode to Myself

So for this week's topic I wanted to talk about something that I am currently learning about myself. It takes a little bit of a back story to understand WHY I’m in this place but the point is I believe it's important for anyone who may be trying to get to know themselves better to not only see themselves in a different light but try to accept the things that they notice. It took me a long time and I’m still working on it. 

I have been a pretty awkward person my entire life and it's not something that's really acceptable for me because I'm a black woman and that's not the stereotype that fits us. I've always been kind of shut out and made fun of because I wasn't the typical archetype of what they think a black woman should be like. On top of that I’m the person who will stumble over my words for no reason, or snot will come out of my nose when I laugh. I don’t like eye contact and if you go in for a handshake I’m going to freak out about which hand to give you. Sadly there are people who will see that and immediately right me off because to them I’m supposed to be strong, and confident not stumbling over my words and keeping my head down.  

Something as simple as reading books was deemed as odd for me because of who I am on the outside and that's something that I noticed a long time ago but it isn't until the age of 20 where I'm really trying to learn to accept that I'm not going to be accepted in everyone's arms because there are people who will not like me for who I am. This isn’t about the color of my skin. I from the south I had no choice but to recognize that I’m black because people were determined to let me know by the time I was 5. No this is about loving the personality that others may hate. 

I was myself entirely my whole life and I didn’t care that some people thought it was weird for a black girl. Middle school unfortunately did a number and that's where I realized that as much as I may have suspected people saw me as weird I never thought too much about whether or not It was true but it was and it hurt to have it confirmed. By the time I got to high school I was determined to change myself and fit into the mold that was made for me. I got sick of being the odd one out and I just wanted to know what it was like to fit in for once. Crazy enough I succeeded. In high school I was no longer weird, I was pretty and everyone liked me. People who made fun of me all the sudden wanted to be my friend. I was invited into conversations. Some even admitted that they knew me from middle school and were surprised to see how I turned out. They liked the new me better. I wasn't bullied anymore and I wasn't someone they could outcast. 

Anyway, this persona I put blood, sweat, and tears into making carried on into college and it was even better because I was in a new space where no one knew me and I got to start off as pretty and normal. By sophomore year things took a turn. I had to go to therapy, I was in and out of the hospital, and my grades were slipping. My world that I made for myself fell apart because after that I completely changed as a person. I was exhausted with everything. I tried to ignore it because I wasn’t ready to lose myself and I knew that if I accepted that what happened to me changed me forever there was no returning. I had no choice though because I wasn’t going to make it much longer in the environment I was in.

I wasn't able to continue being the girl I made because of everything else I had going on. I was in a lot of pain and I was going through a lot mentally. It put a strain on my relationships and people couldn’t understand the sudden switch. I no longer wanted to drink or party or talk about boys. They were wondering where the old me went and I was so sick of having to pretend like I cared about any of that stuff. I just let the mask drop and shatter. Not only did I have to cope with losing my boyfriend, I lost my friends too. I was alone for the first time in a long time. 

It’s been a year since then. I’m right back where I started. I am that same 12 year old girl that I worked so hard to bury. I’m going to be completely honest, it's like little biotch is back to haunt me for killing her. I am so uncomfortable with myself. As an adult I can 100% see why people thought she was off. Correction: I see why people thought I was off. 

So as of recently I'm just now learning to accept that there are going to be people who do not like me and they are going to think I'm weird. People observe and they judge and I'm no exception to that and it’s not something for me to fear. The way people perceive me is up to them and they're going to be people on this earth that are absolutely hellbent on misunderstanding me simply because they want to and there is nothing I can do. Yes it bothers me a little that people think I’m weird and I will never know me beyond that but why should I be focused on changing their minds? 

At 20 years old that can be hard to come to terms with because this is something that I thought I grew out of but I never did. I just pretended it was never there. I am quite embarrassed of myself honestly. I was beginning to hate myself all over again lately because I’ve always wanted to be nothing more than to be accepted and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t have that while also being me. So naturally the problem is me right? No, it's everybody else. I learned my lesson. All those years of being someone I wasn't so that people like me won't do any good in the long run. It broke me is what it did. I’m just going to have to find people who like me for me. I started getting back into the parts of me that I left behind like my love for reading.

I'm still learning to like myself and honestly some days are harder than others especially after having to be in group settings and things like that but I can't hide myself from the world no more than I can try to change myself for it. I can't really tell you what my whole point of this was. I think I just wanted to share that I am someone who understands what it's like to want to fit into certain spaces. I guess the big lesson is that if you do not like yourself there is nothing, no amount of change and no amount of people that’s going to do it for you. You have to learn to accept yourself for who you are plain and simple. Do it before it's too late because I wish I could apologize to the little girl inside me. I should have never been ashamed of her.

I hope that this helped whoever may have needed it. 

Thank you for reading! 🌸

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