a few albums that feel like pieces of me
a little music, a little nostalgia
Every album holds a different version of me.
✿ PUT ON THE RECORD ✿
Choose an album above to load its music player.
Genre: Dark romance, Fantasy
Rating: 4.75/5⭐️
Author: Heba Al-Wasity
01
Was St.Silas a character you could trust?
My feelings about St.Silas changed throughout the book. At first I was intrigued by his secretiveness and I spent the first part of the book conspiring about who he really was. As the book went on I thought him extremely cruel and I didn’t like how he was mean to Leena. I was asking myself how in the world she was going to fall in love with him. I understood that he was apparently not a good person from the very beginning. He had a reputation that implied that but you know how books go. They set up a character's reputation and it turns out they are not nearly as bad as we are told but with St.Silas I was genuinely shocked that he seems to be exactly like he was described.
His past explained his behavior perfectly. He is one of the few characters where I believed their behavior was not close to how they could've ended up due to their past. I really enjoyed learning about Sr.Silas. He was an extremely complex character and officially one of my favorites. He is so much more than what we’re initially given at the beginning of the book and I love that. He has so much personality too and he’s so charismatic in a way that I adore. His past was honestly shocking and I was completely wrong about him. I love analyzing characters and watching them develop. It's one of my favorite parts about reading. I came up with my theories about who he was and at first I was like “HE’S AN ENERGY VAMPIRE!!” I had so much fun with this book I was so off. I refused to believe what was happening was entirely human and I was right. I was just blaming the wrong one. There were so many dots to connect and the more information we got the more interesting the story was. I did sympathize with St.Silas because he never got a choice in how his life went and it was a classic case of having terrible parents. I applaud him as well though because he perceived and turned it around. St.Silas is so strong for continuing to live his life He refused to let others choose his fate for him. As sad as it was that man was not giving up and I admire that. That's part of the many reasons why he ended up my favorite character in this book.
Learning about his childhood was so sad. He did not deserve that, no child does. I think it’s a good representation of not being able to choose what you are born into. I connected the dots between him and his father pretty early on. I was wrong about who he was but everything else I had in the bag. When it was revealed who his father was I honestly felt really bad for him and I immediately doubted that childhood was good. Seeing how hard it was for him to say it to Leena was so too. I think he’s in a grey area of knowing who he is and wanting what's rightfully his but also being ashamed of who his father is and not only ashamed but angry. He doesn’t like to claim his father partly because of who he was but also because he saw his father as weak and of course there’s resentment for what he did to him. Learning all of this did change the way I viewed him and it made me see that he wasn’t cruel at all, just betrayed.
02
What does Weavingshaw represent to the Avon family?
I think Weavinshaw represented status, power, control. I think the Avon family cherished Weavingshaw the way that they did because it was one of the few great things about them. They were dysfunctional people and weavingshaw showed a sort of glamor on who they truly were. Nothing. The Avons drew themselves crazy generation after generation to keep this estate and I believe it was all because they genuinely believed it was worth it because it was theirs. If they were to lose Weavingshaw they would be losing everything along with it. This is a world where status gets you a good life. They were always going to put Weavingshaw first because it ensured their comfortability. At least that's what they thought because they were everything but comfortable.
I don’t think that St.Silas is destined to repeat the same mistakes, at least not at the same level. He is too smart and too determined. He sees through what his family is. With that said I do believe that this mission to take Weavinshaw back has clouded his judgement. I think he has overestimated his ability to do it without anyone's help. I understand why he wants Weavingshaw, it’s rightfully his BUT I think if he’s not careful he’s going to get wrapped up in claiming it just like his family and you can already see certain patterns because he is willing to sacrifice himself to succeed. He has already allowed himself to believe that he cannot put Leena before Weavingshaw. Partly to protect her but partly because she's a distraction.
How does Lena and St.Silas’s relationship change throughout the story?
I enjoyed their relationship and watching it grow and develop even though there are points where they both were absolutely getting on my nerves. Their relationship started in this place where it was transactional and that makes sense. Lena went to him in a desperate place and from the very beginning it was this manipulative relationship that was meant to selfishly benefit St. Silas. Their relationship stayed in this place of loathing and they are both determined to get what they needed out of disagreement and let it go from there, especially Leena.
I think after what happened at the burial it was that first time that they have ever been vulnerable with one another and it was one of the first times that Saint Silas was ever honest about something. A big part of this book is secrecy and manipulation and control. St.Silas is someone who uses secrets against people and a person like that has many secrets of their own and doesn't often reveal anything about themselves, not even when they know they could trust the other person. So with that being said, that moment where Silas shared something vulnerable about who he was it completely changed the trajectory of their relationship and it put them in this place of vulnerability. Leena noticed this right away and she even felt guilty for feeling as though she put him in a place where he had no choice but to be vulnerable and she knows that that was hard for him because obviously he is not someone who does that often. Their relationship was never the same after that because Leena was one of the first people that he actually told something real to. On top of that it wasn't just any kind of secret it was something that was deep and really rooted for him.
I think their relationship is extremely beautiful and I loved watching them get to know one another and break each other's barriers. Their dynamic is very interesting and it was so fun because they are two people who are blunt, especially St.Silas. St.Silas is extremely charismatic and charming and I love that in an MMC it is my favorite character trait. Chapter 18 is so good.
What happens at the end reveals a lot about his character. not only does it reveal a lot about his character but it reveals a lot about their relationship. It is one of those moments where you realize that they would rather lose them than put them in a dangerous situation. It is like when in Catchingfire, Peeta would have rather died knowing Katniss would be alive to be the Mockingjay even if that meant that she was going to be with Gale. It's not a love triangle situation in this book but I'm saying it's similar because the St.Silas's actions show that he would rather Leena live and be safe then stick beside him and if that means that he can't have her then that's something that he would rather suffer through because he would never want to see her suffer. It also is very important because in the beginning of the book he would have never done this because he was very determined to meet his goal. Leena was someone that was disposable to him once he got what he wanted. He was using her for her ability and he would have never released her if that meant he was going to have a harder time getting Weavingshaw back but the fact that he did says a lot.
As much as it sucks being left on a cliffhanger I do love that by this point we are in a complete awareness that these are two people who are in love and they know it and in the second book we will now be seeing how they navigate that because they're in such a bad situation that they don't have time to be honest with their feelings and figure out how they feel about each other. I think it's going to be very interesting to see how this is going to work out if at all.
Which revelation or scene changed how you understood the story the most?
What revelation changed how understood the story was the backstory of Lady Hargreaves. Lady Hargreeves refilling so much to Lena really put everything into perspective and it gave so much information about why we were where we were in the present of this book. It showed the kind of villains that were dealing with and just how evil they are but it also says a lot about St.Silas and how his childhood was sort of devastating.
Learning the true history between Percy and Hargreaves was insane because these are two people who were best friends but they are so inherently evil so much so that they end up being evil to one another. Everyone around them seems to fall victim to their power hungry ways and it's sad to see how this drive and hunger to be powerful crushes everyone who was put in front of them.
Lord Hargreaves is someone that is so scary because he represents someone who is angry and driven by this need to prove themselves and he's not going to stop until he feels as if he has the ultimate power. Percy is someone who is scary because to me he represents an individual who is manipulated and evil because of the way that they were raised. He was so unkind and all he cared about was money.
The moment of learning about who those two really were was shocking and is insane because there are so many people like that on this Earth walking around. they are such good representations of billionaires and I think their actions show exactly how we as normal people are all susceptible to the power and actions of people who have these large sums of money because we live in a world where money is power and when people have that kind of power it starts to become not enough and there's so many deep rooted issues that goes behind that.
Lord Hargreaves is someone who is determined to erase a part of himself and he is going to do whatever it takes. I think one of the most interesting aspects of that is that the main person that he needs to prove his Worth to is truly himself because no one else around him doesn't see that he's an insanely powerful person but because he cannot accept himself it's never going to be good enough. He is the kind of person who lies so much that even he believes them. He is such a good villain and one of my favorites that I've read about this year to be honest.
What do you predict will happen in the sequel?
There are so many things that I want to see happen in the sequel and I cannot believe that I have to wait until April to get it. First of all I am excited to see Leena's response to what Bram said in the end because I don't think that that's going to fly with her. At this point in the story we already know that these are two people who will do anything for each other so him saying what he said I just don't think it's going to be that easy. Leena's not that type of character.
I do believe of course that St.Silas has some plot armor so I don't think he's going to die but I do believe that they're going to have an insanely hard time navigating the underworld because like it was stated they are going to have everyone on their backs and I think Saint Silas's plan to release Lena is not as good as he thinks it is because he in his head is trying to protect her but the person who could protect her most is him and what makes him think that him being away from her is going to ensure her safety. There are people who know that you guys are companions and that you guys are close so why would you think that they would not go after her.
I think what will happen first is she's probably going to curse him out for even suggesting it and she's going to refuse. I think they're also going to have to navigate how to heal him before he dies which is going to be easier said than done because they're in a world that isn't catered to them and they're going to be people who are going to try to kill them. I do believe they're going to find the antidote. I just don't know how they're going to get it. I really don't.
One of my favorite things that I hope to see in this sequel is them encountering Lena's father in the wake. We know that he was sent down there at some point in the book by Lord Hargreaves and I believe she knows that by the end of the book. I'm not sure if they're going to make it a point to go find him or if he's going to find them but I don't believe that he's going to die in the wake at least not by the hands of being fed on by demons. It could be by trying to protect his daughter but I don't see him not being of some sort of significance in the second book.
Now when it comes to the Limitless vessel that I really have no clue what could possibly happen and it's not one of my favorite aspects of the book is still interesting I'm just saying it's not something that I'm particularly excited to figure out there are other aspects of the book that I really want to know like Leena and St.Silas's relationship but I do think it's going to be interesting and I think there's going to be a plot twist to the Limitless vessel.
That is where I'm going to stop because there is a lot that happens in this book and if I try to touch on everything we will be here forever. I really enjoyed this book though and I'm going to be one of the first people to go grab a sequel trust and believe.
I 100% recommend this book it is definitely one of my favorite reads of the year and I think if you want something that's a dark romance and a good setting you would enjoy this book especially if you enjoy analyzing characters because I had so much fun trying to figure out who these people were and what they really meant because when I tell you everyone is secretive I mean everyone.
Here are two of my favorite quotes to spur you on:
“Because I never see you eat or rest. Because you have endless and brutal energy. Because you almost never give in to sweetness.” His sharp focus never wavered from her face. “Oh, Miss Al-Sayer, I would love to give in to sweetness.” Leena’s wild heart, nearly beating out of her chest, knew in a way only a woman can that he was not speaking of anything but her. The very real fact that she was not frightened by the idea terrified her.
…
His words were feverish. “Say it again.” Leena looked at him in confusion. “Say what again?” “My name. Say it again.” His gaze was bright and unwavering from her face. Leena’s heart pounded. “Bram,” she whispered after a long moment. “Say it again.” She rose up slowly, releasing his hold on her, unsure why it felt so intimate to meet his eyes while calling him by his given name. “Bram.” She swallowed, averting her flushed face. “We must go—” “And again.” “We cannot delay—” “Leena.” He interrupted her, his voice a hoarse command. “Once more. Say my name.” She stood up, her hands slightly shaking while brushing the snow from her jacket, still unable to meet his unfaltering stare. The still moors and the thick trees were silent, as if waiting for her next words. “Bram…” He let out a staggered breath—as if this was the first real inhale he had taken in a long time. And yet the irony that these very breaths were now numbered did not escape her.
Today I wanted to talk about something that I learned after my first relationship. The Difference Between Being Loved and Being Loved Well. I think it’s important to understand the difference because it keeps you from accepting treatment you do not deserve. I appreciate all the lessons I’ve learned and I wouldn’t change anything but I want to share that knowledge so that maybe someone else doesn’t go through what I went through. This can be applied to relationships of any kind, not just romantic relationships.
INTENTIONS DOES NOT NEGATE IMPACT
I say this because I think that when we are mistreated or feel wronged by someone that we love a lot of the time we want to forgive them so that we’re able to move on and forget it ever happened especially when you know it’s worthy of a breakup. So we accept excuses such as labeling the wrong as a joke or telling yourself their intentions were not to hurt you. Whether that's true or not that doesn’t negate the fact that their actions affected you in a way that they shouldn’t have.
I always told myself that I was dramatic and that's just how he was. I may be dramatic and he may have been someone who jokes in a way that I didn’t appreciate all the time but actions at your expense don’t have to be something that you accept and you have every right to say something.
When I would bring it up and express how I feel I had to fight to receive an apology which I didn’t always get and before that my feelings were always made into something small and unimportant. That's just manipulation. When someone completely invalidates how you feel and says things like “I’m sorry YOU felt that way” or “YOU took it wrong”, that's putting blame on you for their actions that negatively affected you. That's not how it works and that is someone I suggest getting far away from because trying to change them is never worth it.
I ignored situations like that for so long and I look back and cringe at the amount of disrespect I allowed myself to go through. I always let it pass because I didn’t want to lose him but because of that it showed him that I would put up with his actions and there would be no consequences. I always forgave no matter how bad I felt because putting up with the disrespect was easier than going through a breakup.
I learned that a person is going to make mistakes and no one will perfectly follow your boundaries, at least not the first time but it should take one time for you to communicate how you feel and there should be change after that. Do not allow someone to continuously commit actions that hurt you. That is someone who has no respect for you or your feelings.
I think anyone can relate to falling for someone's potential rather than who they really are. There have been plenty of times where I have a small crush on someone and it fades just as quickly as it came because they didn’t meet my expectations for who I thought they were.
That goes for people you are in relationships with too. I had expectations for my relationship that were never met. I thought about dates, and they way that I thought we should be but that relationship was everything but the case. I really wanted him to be something that he wasn't. He was never going to be the man that I deserved because he never wanted to be that for me and that's the reality that is important to recognize. Sometimes someone isn't that person for you and they know they're not and they are not willing to change.
There were so many instances where I was purposely and blatantly disrespected and changes could have been made, actions could have been better and they were never improved because he simply never cared enough about me or respected me enough to be a better partner. A small example is: I remember talking about how I always liked chivalry like men opening doors for women. Sometime later he purposely walked towards my door and pretended to open it but never did and went right into the driver's seat. He did that because he knew opening my door would have meant something for me and he used it to hurt my feelings. I saw the smile on his face when he did that. That is a clear example of someone knowing that they could treat you better but they simply just don't want to and they even enjoy not doing it.
I wanted this relationship to be what I always imagined but it wasn't for a multitude of reasons and I think it is very common for anyone to be blinded by the fact that there is potential to have the relationship that you want so much so that you don't recognize that you're never going to get it at least not from the person you're with. You always have hope that change is going to come and things will get better but at some point you have to see that you can't make someone change when they are dead set on staying the same, especially when you've never given them a consequence for their actions.
In the end I had to take some of the blame for certain aspects of that relationship because had I not accepted the disrespect that I did I probably wouldn't have been in that relationship for so long but also I would have not gone through so much disrespect to begin with. I was blinded by the hope that someday he would love me enough to stop hurting me.
Do not allow the fantasy of what you think your relationship could look like to keep you from seeing that it doesn't have to be with the person that you love and sometimes it shouldn't be. Love isn't always the answer as to why you should be in a relationship with someone and having to hope that someone will change their actions when they repeatedly show you that they never will is not love.
Love is practice, consistency, consideration, and being understood. You should not only feel loved by someone but you should be able to see it in their actions and how they treat you. You should be able to know that someone loves you by the way that they speak to you, the way that they talk about you and how they bring you into consideration.
I say this because it is very common to think that because we feel loved and because we feel like we love someone that we don't pay attention to how it is displayed to us. That is how we begin to accept the bare minimum. You can love someone and still not treat them correctly. Love is in someone's actions as well. It doesn't matter how much someone may say that they love you, it will never be the same as being shown that they love you.
There have been plenty of times where I would receive apologies and I would be told that I'm loved but then I completely question how it's possible I was loved by him when his actions continuously hurt me and I never felt as if that love was shown to me. There are plenty of people in this world who may not always know how to verbally express that they care for you but the way that they show it makes up for the lack of being told.
After my experience I now refuse to accept anything less than what I know that I deserve. A relationship is not something that I need, it is something that I am open to and I have to remind myself that I don't have to accept anything less than what I deserve just to be in a relationship with someone. There is not enough loneliness on this earth to put up with anyone's disrespect whatsoever. I have standards that deserve to be met and if they cannot be met by the person I expect to put forth that's fine but I do not have to accept it because what one person doesn't want to do another is willing. It just means that they are not meant for me and I would rather be alone than be with someone I shouldn’t be with.
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LOVED WELL
To be loved well is to be respected. Respect is to me the most important aspect of being loved by someone. It doesn't matter how much someone tells you they love you and it doesn't matter how many apologies you may receive when someone doesn't respect you they do not love you and it will always be shown in their actions.
Pay attention to the way that someone treats you. Pay attention to the way someone talks to you. There are simple ways that someone shows you how they truly feel about you; you just have to PAY ATTENTION. All the time we let stuff fly by us to keep from confronting things that we already know.
Do not allow the fear of being alone or the love that you have for someone to make you put up with something that you know is less than you. There is NO ONE who is going to be there for you the way that you are. It is true that we accept the love that we think we deserve. If you are allowing someone to disrespect you it is because YOU don’t respect YOURSELF. Fix your mindset so that you can begin to allow yourself to be loved the way that you know is right for you.
Everyone wants different things in relationships. We cannot expect anyone to be perfect because there's no such thing as perfect people but what you can expect is patience and consistency in the effort of trying to learn you and vice versa. Things can improve over time and that's what they're supposed to do but when bad situations continue to be bad situations that is not what a relationship is supposed to be. When you tell someone that their actions hurt you they should change. It’s that simple. Arguments about the same thing over and over is not what a relationship is supposed to be. Someone continuously doing something that they know you do not like is not what a relationship is supposed to be. Someone speaking to you in a way that they know you do not like IS NOT WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS SUPPOSED TO BE.
Stop accepting love that is less than what you want and what you deserve. You are allowed to want certain things and to have certain expectations for the relationship that you were in. Someone who says or believes that they can’t meet your expectations just isn't someone that's meant for you no matter how hard you may want it to work that's the truth and that's okay because I promise you in the long run you're going to regret trying to fit someone into a mold that they are not made for.
I resented myself for a while for not seeing it sooner because I went through so much pain that wasn't necessary. Now as much as I still dislike what I went through, it's an important lesson that I am glad I learned very early. I'm grateful for that because there are people in this world who are in their 40s and 50s and 60s in relationships where they are not respected and a lot of them wish that they left sooner.
I don't want to be in my late age wishing that I had the courage to leave when I was younger. I don't want to watch my life flash before my eyes being with the incorrect person. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone who wants a relationship but I think what keeps people from being with the right person is the fact that they're too busy stuck in a relationship with the wrong person.
Toxic relationships or something that's extremely common and they are hard to let go of but it's so worth the pain and the grief to escape from someone who does not love you. I now know what I want and I know what that does and doesn't look like and when I'm ready I will be able to recognize when I am being loved and being loved well.
Rating: ⅘⭐️
Author: Sarah Beth Durst
How did Kiela change from the beginning of the book to the end? What moments best demonstrated her growth.
I loved watching Kiela’s character development in this book and it was probably one of the easiest to follow and as a person who loves to analyze characters I really enjoyed the things that were observable about who killed and how she felt. Kiela was someone I could relate to because I too am someone who isolates the social after going through something difficult or in the middle of going through something difficult so I could really relate to her warning her Solitude and being comfortable with that. I really appreciate it the way Kiela was a good example of being someone who grows into warning to change and being open to that change.
It can be hard to remove yourself from isolation because it is very easy to be in a comfortable spot where you are by yourself and you feel as though you don't need anyone else. Watching her go from someone who was hell bent on never speaking to anyone never coming out of her shell and she was basically refusing to even try to speak to other people she eventually became open to it At first because she had no other choice but also because she eventually realized that maybe she wasn't necessarily someone who liked being alone. She was lonely and her comfortability wasn't allowing her to see it.
She had convinced herself that she didn't want friends and that she was okay with where she was but when she was put in a new environment she realized that maybe her life wasn't as happy and satisfying as she thought it was.
I think one of the best moments that represented her growth was where she started to care for the people that were around her and despite not wanting to she became close with these folks and she began to want to help them and take care of them and she started to see them as people who were worthy of her time and she no longer wanted to isolate herself which I loved seeing her go from one point to the other.
Did their slow burn feel satisfying, and did the first kiss and romantic payoff live up to your expectations?
The Slow Burn was satisfying. I am not a slow burn person in the slightest and I can admit that I was starting to get antsy and wanting to see some kind of development happen but I do believe that it was 100% worth it and the first kiss and romance paid off for me.
I love that we got to not only see Kiela grow but we got to learn about all the other characters in this book, especially Larran. It was nice learning about them before they fell in love and it made it more obvious as to why they were such a good match.
Watching the two fall in love with great because it was two people who were shy and very obviously liked each other but I like that character development had to happen before the relationship could make it to where they could be together and I found that very realistic because often in books they put the romance before character development and the character development usually happens around or because of the relationship.
I also just really liked the male heroine of this book I love the switch around of grumpy and sunshine because usually it's the male who's grumpy and the female who is sunshine and even though I don't think that Kiela is necessarily a crazy grumpy character I love that Larran was a really sweet guy who I honestly found adorable. That's not my usual type when it comes to my male heroines but I really appreciate it.
How did you feel about the main conflict? What would you have changed?
I like the main conflict and it showed a lot about Kiela as a person but I do feel as though sometimes it was kind of on again off again and I kind of wish that the conflict was more steady.
A lot of the time there were points where we were calm, everything was going good and then conflict happened and then we'll come again and then boom conflict again it was kind of just annoying after a while I don't think that takes away from the book but it is something that I observed.
I did really enjoy the pot and it did leave me wondering how everything was going to turn out despite feeling like the conflict and resolution was back and forth. I really enjoyed the magic aspect of this book and how it was something that was controlled and kind of political. I also like that it was something that everyone could do and had access to because often it's only people who have powers or something like that.
What did you enjoy most about The Spellshop, and what kept it from being a five-star read?
Another thing I really enjoyed about this book is the character descriptions I love that Kiela is blue and has magenta freckles ,I love all of the side characters descriptions it made it a true fantasy because you rarely get characters that are different colors and have multiple arms and things like that you get faes and fairies and maybe a werewolf this made it feel like a movie and I could 100% see this book being a movie I think it would be so good.
I really liked this book overall and I think that it would be a great read for the fall time even though it isn't in a false setting it's still extremely cozy with the cottage fives and stuff like that and I would actually much prefer to read this in the fall then the spring or summer time. I think if you are in the mood for a light read that is cute but also has an actual plot this would be the perfect book for you.
I hope you all had an amazing week and let me know if any of you give this book a try.
Ps. I will be reading Weavingshaw next!!
Thanks for reading!🌸
SWEET SIDE QUEST PRESENTS ✦
This little quiz is an invitation to explore what makes you feel most like yourself. There are no wrong answers. Choose what feels right for you today.♡
YOUR LITTLE DISCOVERY ✧
This isn't a fixed definition of who you are. It's just a little inspiration for your next chapter. ♡
Rating: 3/5 ⭐️
Author: Julia Seales
1. What was your favorite and least favorite part of A Most Agreeable Murder, and why?
My favorite parts where getting to analyz the characters, and their relationships with each other. It was a lot of fun noticing things and applying them to what I was reading.
I did not enjoy how the book just kept going though. I feel like for a murder mystery it sort of dragged on and it took forever to get to the actual killer. I also feel like there were an uneeded amount of sub-plots. I also did not enjoy how at the end of every chapter there was something extra like a letter or a play to read. It did help with putting clue together.
2. Did you find the mystery satisfying? Were the reveals genuinely surprising, or did you prefer the initial setup over how everything eventually unfolded?
The mystery was satisfying to an extent but like I said the sub-plots sort of killed the thrill for the original mystery and it was kind of annoying because I think it could have been better with one main thing to focus on. I did notice from the beginning that everyone seemed to have something to hide but I think their secrets were a little predictable but also out of wack. Caroline's identity being revealed felt like a Wattpad plot.
3. Would you recommend this book to other readers, and who do you think would enjoy it most?
I would recommend this book if you like murder mystery. It really was funny and it had a lot of plot twists I didn't see coming. Don't let this review discourage you from reading it. It wasn't for me but murder mystery isn't something I pick up on the regular so it's not surprising that it's not something for me to rave about. I think it's a good book.
I read and I keep up with my hobbies because they remind me that there is a life outside of my responsibilities and they keep me grounded. I love reading because it is a way to experience new worlds and escape reality for a bit. I had to learn the hard way that when you put your all into your work it causes you more stress than it's worth and your life being based on your responsibilities is not a healthy thing. That's why I take my hobbies and life outside of school so seriously.
I really needed that comfort week because I had a lot of things to do, a lot of decisions to make, and it was just one of those weeks where I really had to be an adult. On top of that I am still struggling with confidence and being myself. I had to exert myself a lot this week and put myself out there and of course that caused me to be in my head a lot. I have a tendency to overthink my interactions and how people perceive me.
I really am trying to grow up because I don't want to be one of those people who never took on their responsibilities and opportunities the way they should have just because they couldn’t stand being uncomfortable. I try to do what I have to do despite not wanting to. That's how life is and if I were to not do something because I simply wasn't feeling like it I would never get anything done and I wouldn't be where I am.
So of course with all of these things I had to do I look forward to going home and reading a book at the end of the day or something that separates me and my responsibilities. I started reading a book called Bunny and I didn't like it. It was probably the first time in a while that I started a book and I couldn't get into it. I wasn't into the writing style as much as I liked the plot. Apparently the writing style is intentional but intention doesn't make it effective and it just wasn't good to me.
It took me I think three or four days to find a book I liked. I went through multiple and it was causing me a great amount of stress. I never realized until this week how heavily I depend on reading. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that it was genuinely wanting to cry because I didn't have a book to read after a long day of being me. Books are my cigarettes I guess.
I didn't have my distraction and I was being particularly hard on myself and my anxiety felt so much worse than it usually does because my coping mechanisms weren't something that I had at my disposal like I usually do. It made me realize a lot about myself and as much as it sucked in the moment I'm kind of grateful that I saw it because I feel like I know myself a little better after this extremely difficult week.
I think what I learned this week is that I still have a lot to learn and despite being self aware about the things that I need to grow from it is still going to take time. I can be honest and say I am not enjoying life too much right now and that's okay because that's a part of how things go.
I try to focus on the things that I do have instead of the things I don’t but this week I didn’t feel like it and I wanted to complain and be a little ungrateful because that's truly how I felt. Yes I’m grateful for my education and so many other things but sometimes I really don’t care. What I feel is normal and I don't have to feel guilty for it. I'm not a weak person for not always feeling my best or being confident in who I am. One of the most important parts about where I am in life right now is that I know I still have a lot of growing up to do and I have to mend my relationship with myself. That's important but easier said than done.
I can say that one of my favorite things about myself is that I'm an extremely ambitious and determined person and I do not give up even when I'm supposed to. I may not feel great right now and as much as I want to crawl into my bed and not move I don't because deep down I love myself more than I may recognize at times and I still want to make a good life for myself.
I will grow and learn. I will graduate college and earn my degree. I will do all the things that I dream of doing because I am who I am. I live the life I live because I am an extremely strong and dedicated person and that is something that I will always appreciate about myself. Confidence may be something that is difficult to come by for me but that’s okay.
Yes I may be overly insecure about everything and I overthink the smallest interactions constantly. I'm a big ball of anxiety but that doesn't define me, it only makes me human. I'm not perfect, I cannot expect myself to be. I may struggle with certain aspects but that does not negate my strengths.
I think it just goes to say that it's important to be self-aware about the things that you need to grow from but do not allow the things that you struggle with erase the best parts of you. I struggle a lot behind closed doors but not everyone sees that and I had to remind myself that only I know when I'm really thinking inside my head and how I really feel. It's not always completely on the surface and right now I think I need to be in a place where I'm okay with faking it until I make it.
I may not have the confidence and the self love that I need but I will get there eventually and until I do I'll make sure to carry myself with whatever bit of strength that I have and remind myself that just because I may not feel the best on the inside doesn't mean it has to show on the outside. I have other things that make me great and one of those things is that I am actively trying to better myself.
That's all I have to say for this week. There will not be a book review but next week I'll get there. I hope the rest of you had great weeks and you're all doing okay.
Thank you so much for reading! 🌸
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Genre: American Body Horror Rating: 10000/10 Director: James Watkins 01 What did you think of the main character? Did you find yourself sy...
