The Weird Grief of Growing Apart From People You Once Loved

Hello everyone and happy Saturday. I hope you all had a lovely week. Today I wanted to speak about grieving for someone who is still alive.

It is a very strange thing to grieve someone that is still living. I think one of the hardest parts about that is wanting to be in their presence but not having access to it whether that's because you know it's for the best or because they won't allow you to access them but either way it's something that's hard. 

Growing apart from someone that you were close to is something that you can't really prepare yourself for because obviously in the moment when things are good you probably could never imagine that things would change or at least you don't want them to. 

My first time grieving someone was because of a betrayal. When you have someone you care for very deeply, whether that's a relationship, a friendship, or a family member it can be hard to accept that they would hurt you in any way. 

I think one of the hardest parts of grieving someone is having to grieve the person you thought they were and the relationship you thought you had. When I went through that I had such a hard time. It was as if all the memories we shared were tainted and I couldn’t tell what was real or fake and the worst part is I will most likely never know. 

Another aspect that comes with this is the longing you can feel for that person while also being hurt. I just wanted to know WHY they hurt me. I couldn't fathom it you know? It was so hard to believe. All I wanted at that time was for things to go back to normal as if nothing had changed but there was also a sense of gratitude that I was no longer being deceived and lied to. There was a part that felt relief that who they truly were was revealed to me and now I was free from someone like that. Still that doesn’t make the lie any easier if anything it makes it harder.

One of the most important things to remember is that you cannot let what someone did to you change you as a person, especially if it’s not for the better. I wanted so badly to let myself be consumed by the anger and hurt. I wanted to seek revenge and make them feel everything I felt and worse. Even then I knew it wasn’t who I was and as much as I wanted it to be I’m not the kind of person to hurt someone in that way let along worse and the thought of allowing what they did to me to change me and make me act out of character made me feel as if I were giving them a big fat trophy that said "you succeeded at destroying me congrats."

There was no way I was ever going to give someone the satisfaction of thinking they did me so bad that I was never the same. Absolutely not. So I did all I could do. I grieved. I was sick to my stomach behind it and I remember wanting to just skip to the part where I was okay and no longer felt the pain. Sadly though I couldn’t do that and I had to sit and feel every last bit of the hurt that they caused me. 

Do not even get me started on when they refuse to let you be. I could go on about that forever. I’ll just say it reminds you that they continue to put themselves and their feelings before you which proves that they were in fact completely capable of what they did because if they felt even a little remorse they would let you heal. 

Anyway, I finished the hard part eventually. I accepted that the person I knew wasn’t real, at least not all parts of them. I also learned to not use the good memories to torture myself. Yes there were good times but that is now of the past and I can’t go back there nor should I want to. Does me no good. 

Grieving someone who is still walking this earth is never easy, obviously because even when the tears stop you can still have moments of wondering where they are, how they're doing, what ways have they changed if at all. I still catch myself thinking of them but it never fails that I'm reminded of the hurt that came along. 

Needless to say I don’t think it’s supposed to be quick and painless because if it were then what does that really say about the relationship to begin with. Pain proves to you that you are real, and you can love. It reminds you to be a little more gentle with yourself and who you allow into your life. I can’t say I would go through that again willingly but I am grateful because it taught me a great deal about changing the love I thought I deserved so that I could accept the real kind. Not the kind that hurts 90% of the time but it's the other 10% that's keeping you there.

I hope you learn to go through the pain because that's the only way to get over it. There are no shortcuts but the best part is we don’t remain in the same time forever and eventually it’ll be over. Don’t let yourself stay in a loop. Forgive them not for their benefit but so that you can move on with your life. You will thank yourself later for not giving up. 

Anywho that's all I have to say. I hope you all continue to be safe and that this helped anyone who may have needed it. Remember that you are beautiful!

Thanks for reading!🌸

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Being okay with making mistakes

Mistakes or something that everyone handles differently in their lives and I  know that when it comes to me I didn't always handle making mistakes in the best way and I wasn't always smart about it. 

I had a really bad habit of thinking that one simple mistake was detrimental and it would cost me everything  and that thinking put a fear in me that made me leave no room for mistakes in my life ever and that was really hard to do because as a human being you're going to make mistakes is part of being a person and if everything was meant to go perfectly all the time that's how it would be but it's not. 

I would do everything possible to make sure everything went perfectly when they didn't it was like everything fell apart but that was never the case even when I felt like things were going really badly there's never a time where I can say I don't appreciate that time in my life or the lesson that I learned because what am I main things I learned about mistakes is that a lot of the time what you need to do is take it as a learning lesson and move on and try better. 

There's really nothing you can do after the mistake happens besides do your due diligence, try again and learn from it because you can't go back in time and make things better or change how things happened. You can only fix it moving forward. 

I think it's important to understand though that you cannot fix everything and some things aren't meant to be fixed. There are learning lessons in the mistakes that you make in this life whether that is never doing that thing again or doing it a better way or changing you as a person either way there's something to learn from it. 

Obviously I still do not like making mistakes, especially big ones but I handled them a lot differently than I used to.  when I make a mistake yeah in the moment I'm very upset and I don't really want to do anything and I don't have positive feelings at all but once I take the time to fill my feelings I get up, do what I can and I move on from it and I take that Learning lesson to heart. 

I try again if I want to try again I change whatever I think I may need to change I do something before I allow it to make me feel as if I'm lesser than I'm not smart enough or anything negative because that's how you begin to be unkind to yourself for something that is literally in your nature. No matter how hard you try you cannot be perfect, not in the way you look, not in the way you feel, not in the way you do things, it's just not possible and until you understand that is going to be a very hard life.

 

I hope that some of you learn that life is supposed to be fun and exciting and you're supposed to do what you can to enjoy it while you're here and yes make sure you do what you have to do to live a comfortable life but do not forget to be kind to yourself and remember that you're human. There's a way to hold yourself accountable but still have respect for your feelings and your mindset and who you are as a person. Whether you're in school or you're working a job or you're struggling in any way just remember to take the time and breathe and get out of your head and then  do what works best for you so that you can figure yourself out. It's easier said than done but trying is better than doing nothing. 

Anyway I hope this helps someone in this gives anyone the motivation to be a little easier on themselves and remember to stay positive. 

 Thanks for reading! 🌸

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Learning that my worth isn't tied to productivity

    The school year it's about to begin or maybe for some of you it already has but I wanted to make a blog post about making sure that you continue to be kind to yourself throughout the school year  because I know I have a tendency to forget to give myself grace and be kind to myself. I have a habit of leaving no room for mistakes which is kind of hard to do when you're just a person, so if you're anything like me I think it's important to learn that your worth is not tied into your productivity

    Your productivity is important of course and it is a great thing when you want to do well and you want to put yourself out there but you also have to understand that you're just a human and you cannot do everything perfectly all the time and that simply because you're not meant to. 

    School is important and obviously we want to do well but when you are constantly on go and you don't give yourself time to breathe you forget to allow yourself just to enjoy life and the things around you and then the next thing you know you don't even know what day it is and that is how you watch your life flash before your eyes and that's not a way to live. It's important that you do take your schooling seriously but it's equally important that you take your mental health into account and you take time for yourself to be anything else besides a student. 

    I know what it's like to crave academic validation and to crave the need to be moving constantly but one thing that that taught me was that I was burning myself out and essentially sabotaging all of my hard work because I was too tired to actually do anything that needed to be done so in the long run I wasn't really helping myself and all that effort that I put in to make sure that I was on time with everything and as productive as I could be went down the drain. 

    The fact that you are where you are and you're trying your best says a lot more about you than not being able to get something done right away or not being able to do something perfectly.  Being tired and needing a minute to yourself has nothing to do with your worth. You are just as good of a student as you've always been and taking a break doesn't mean that you're not going to be able to continue where you left off. 

    A grade that you may not have expected to get isn't going to hurt you, one missed assignment is not the end of the world. You have to remember that there are things in this life outside of academics and that you are capable. You can make up for it so long as you try but, with that being said it's also important to remember do not push yourself too hard trying to make up for something you deemed as a mistake. Be kind to yourself, try to understand why you may have missed that deadline and then figure out a way you can make a change that reflects positively on your life and schooling.  

    The best thing you can do for yourself is trying to find a balance for your life. If you still want to continue to be a great student there is absolutely a way to do it while also still taking care of yourself. Build a routine to see what works for you before you just focus on schooling only because that's not going to help you. Personally, I do all my work during the week. I don't touch my schooling during the weekend at all because I need that mental break not only from school but from life in general. 

    I really do hope this encourages some of you. Education is a privilege and it's a reward and you should treat it as such but you should also remember there is a life outside of school. I hope all of you have a great school year and you meet all the goals you want to meet. 

Thanks for reading! 🌸

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How to romanticize your life

Romanticizing life is something that you will eventually learn  is really important because it's a way of appreciating the little things in finding joy and stuff that you will usually take for granted.  so I wanted to share a couple of the ways that I romanticize the seasons and the school year and just life in general because I think it's important that we remember to add a little Whimsy to who to life. 

When you are in college it can be hard to focus on yourself because you're so busy doing other things and you can sometimes forget to enjoy what's around you and so it's important that you take the time and to do the things that you enjoy outside of schooling and Friends. 

1. Get dolled up and sometimes put on a cute outfit that makes you feel pretty and confident. For me I have early morning classes so I don't always like to put on an entire outfit, I just want to wear something comfortable and comfortable can still be cute. So I figured out how to feel pretty and feel confident while still dressing comfortably. I might wear something basic like a hoodie and jeans or leggings and some comfortable shoes but I will dress it up by over-accessorizing and I'll do my hair in a new style. I might do a little bit of makeup and this helps me feel as if I'm a little bit put together but I'm still comfortable enough to go sit in class and walk around campus. You can make jeans and skirts comfortable as well. I love wearing baggy jeans with some Uggs and hoodies or I might do a jean simple jacket with a tank top or a shirt. 

2. Another way I love to romanticize life is by enjoying small things like going to get a little coffee and sitting outside. I love the aesthetic of going to get you a fun drink then go sit outside and go do your homework. There are coffee shops you can find and you can go study in the library like in the movies. Go live in your worry Gilmore moment because it's moments like that, that makes your day a little better.

3. A playlist to walk around campus is always a good way to romanticize life because we all know that music can put you in certain moods so a playlist that makes you feel good is essential for romanticizing what you have going on around you I love listening to some of my favorite songs especially when they make me feel confident while going to class.

4. Be a little delusional and treat life like it's a movie in all seriousness go do the things you see be done in movies. Go get lunch with your friends, go on walks, study in a new place, go workout just for the cute set you get to put on. 

5. It's important to remind yourself to get out every once in a while. Not everyone enjoys partying or crowds but there are more ways to get out of the house.  make sure that you try your best to find other ways to socialize outside of the typical just do it in the way they make you the most comfortable. Find clubs, find organizations that you think you would enjoy like a book club. I go to a big school so there are all kinds of things available and even if there isn't, take advantage of what you do have. 

6. I personally like a plan, so one way I love to romanticize school is I like to decorate my MacBook. I like to decorate the websites I use. I get a cute planner for the school year and take time to do that every Sunday as a reset. 

7. Do a routine like you're an influencer it would make you feel put together even when you're not. Plus it's beneficial. Make yourself feel fresh and new. I like to clean up, spend the night doing all my girly things, and after I eat dinner I may have a sweet treat and a comfort movie.

8. Find little things to look forward to once the school day is over like that routine we just talked about, or a TV show you love, or a book. You can hang out with friends after classes, go hang around your college town, or go to a club meeting. and church group, who knows.  

Thanks for reading!🌸

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Twenty lessons from twenty years of life

 Advice from a 20 yr old...

1. It's just not humanly possible to have it ALL figured out.
2. You can plan but remember that you cannot predict the future.
3. Leave the first sign of disrespect, animosity, or odd character. 
4. Learn how to be content with the possibility of living life alone; if you can't be by yourself you can't really be with anyone.
   
5. Leave you hometown even if it's just an hour away, even if it's just for a year. No one says you have to stay gone. 
6. If you have the support system, use it, that is a privilege. 
7. You do not have to for relationships with people just because they are family. 
8. If you don't have a way, FIND A WAY. 
9. Do not idolize people. Especially celebrities guys c'mon. 
10. Dream big but dream realistically because chasing a fantasy it just as bad as chasing nothing. 
11. Please be yourself while your still young. Wear that outfit, do that makeup look, try that hobby, try that aesthetic. 
12. It pays nothing to be kind to people. Even when they are not kind in return that says more about their character, not yours. 
13. 
    People will label you however they want no matter what you say or do and that has nothing to do with you at the end of the day as long as you know you're not doing anything wrong. 
14. Forgive them even when you're still hurt, even when you know they're not sorry because, that un-forgiveness is only hurting you. 
15. Take your self respect seriously. Do not things you know you would look at someone else differently for doing. 
16. Learn to be okay with being misunderstood because there are people who are hellbent on doing so. 
17. Things like music taste, clothes, etc have absolutely nothing to do with who you truly are at the end of the day. 
18. Enjoy the material but remember they are just materials. 
19. Work hard for the life you want. otherwise don't complain if you're not where you want to be. 
20. At some point you cannot blame you life circumstances and problems on why your life is the way it is. Eventually because YOUR responsibility to pick yourself up and give yourself a good life. Easier said then done but not impossible. 
21. Bonus: A relationship should NOT be the main desire of your life and to depend on a partener to give you the life you want is foolish. 

I hope some of these helped you. If you have anything to add feel free to comment! 

Thanks for reading! 🌸

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Maybe My Standards Are High... And That's Okay

Never Apologize for Having High Standards

When I was seventeen, I lowered my standards for the first time in my life. At the time, I didn't think of it that way. I thought I was simply opening my heart and giving someone a chance. Looking back now, I realize I wasn't just making room for love I was making room to lose myself.

I met my first boyfriend one summer through my best friend. I was already going through a difficult season of life, and for the first time, someone seemed to genuinely like me. He was funny, easy to talk to, and I was finally at an age where I wanted to experience what everyone else seemed to have already experienced. In this generation, it feels like people start dating so young, and I had always been the girl who was careful because I was afraid of getting hurt. My standards had always been high, but somewhere along the way I convinced myself that maybe they were too high. Maybe I was asking for too much. So I ignored the little voice telling me to be cautious and decided to give love a chance.

That relationship lasted two and a half years. I'm not going to tell every detail of what happened because some parts of that story belong to me, but what I will say is that somewhere during those two and a half years, I betrayed myself. I compromised pieces of who I was because I loved him, and I thought that was what love looked like. I convinced myself that the constant hurt, the uncertainty, the breakups, and the emotional exhaustion were simply part of being in a relationship. I didn't know any different. It was my first love, and I genuinely believed that if you loved someone enough, you stayed.

By the time our relationship ended during my sophomore year of college, I felt like a completely different person. I looked different, I felt different, and I carried pain that I didn't even know how to explain. Even after the breakup, it took two months before I could truly let go because he continued reaching out, and I was terrified of what would happen if I cut him off completely. It wasn't until my therapist gently reminded me that I was no longer responsible for him that I finally found the courage to block him.

I wasn't trying to get over him anymore I was trying to become myself again because that relationship had taken my independence. I had stopped doing the things I loved. When I finally walked away, I was going to find the girl I had lost.

As I healed, I realized something that completely changed the way I look at relationships. The standards I have today weren't created because I think I'm better than anyone else. They exist because I know exactly what happens when I abandon them. I know what it feels like to settle because you're afraid of being alone. I know what it feels like to ignore your intuition because you want to be loved. Most importantly, I know what it feels like to wake up one day and realize you've become someone you no longer have respect for.

People still tell me that my standards are too high. They say I'm too picky, that I'll never find someone if I keep expecting so much. Maybe they're right. Maybe my standards are high. But I would rather wait for someone who shares my ambition, my values, and my vision for the future than spend years trying to convince someone to become the person I need them to be. I want someone who dreams because I dream, who works hard because I work hard. I want someone who wants to build a beautiful life because that's exactly what I'm working toward every single day. Those aren't impossible expectations they're simply the kind of partnership I hope to build.

If I could sit down with my seventeen-year-old self, I wouldn't tell her not to fall in love. I don't regret anything I went through. I'm grateful I learned the lesson so long. Loving someone isn't what hurt me. Losing myself was. I would simply remind her that love should never require you to abandon your peace, your values, or your self-respect. The right person won't make you to become smaller so they'll feel bigger.

So no, I won't lower my standards again. Not because I'm arrogant and not because I think I'm perfect. But because I fought too hard to become myself again, and that's a version of me I'm never willing to lose.

Thank you for reading. 🌸

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Why I started Journaling

Dear, diary.... 

I started Journaling almost a a year ago as a way to release some of my thought especially because at the time I didn't really have anyone I could talk to. Writing things down on paper seemed to help. I was going though something not a lot of people would have understood so I wrote to God every night because I felt like I could trust Him with my thoughts and of course I can. 

Journaling has this little stigma around it that it has to be pretty and aesthetic to mean something and it doesn't. I just bout a cheap book and write about my day, good or bad. I tell Him what I did, how that thing made me feel, whats been on my mind, and more. Writing it down makes it feel real because sometimes I don't even feel like I'm on earth it's like I'm just floating around. So journaling has been an outlet to ground myself and remind myself that I'm real, my feelings are real, and if I have no one to listen to my thought I have God. 

Even if you don't have anyone to write to specifically you can write to your future self or just the diary in general. It doesn't have to be anything special either it can literally be about what you had for breakfast or the weather. One of my favorite things about journaling is that I get to look back and read about myself. There are moments in my journals where I was going through a hard time and now that I'm out of those times reading it shows me how far I've come. If you've ever wanted to try it I say go for it and even if you don't think it's for you at least you tried something new. 

So do you think you would ever try journaling? If you do what made you start? 

Thanks for reading! 🌸

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What burnout taught me

Burnout is: a state of severe emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by long-term unmanaged stress. 

    I think we can all say we've experienced times where we are extremely exhausted. I myself have a habit of ignoring it and keeping it pushing, knowing good and well I need to take a break. I am a perfectionist which is my best and worst quality. It wasn't until recently that I thought being burned out was a weakness until it caused me to make bad judgement and I made a mistake that I couldn't take back. I had a Rory Gilmore meets bald Britney Spears moment if you will. 

    The most important thing I took from that experience is that had I been kinder to myself and honest with the way I was feeling, things may have turned out differently. Being exhausted from working hard isn't a weakness, it is human nature, and it's important you treat yourself as such. I thought if I could push through the exhaustion that meant I was strong, and smart but in reality that kind of thinking was immature. Once it was all over none of my effort was worth it. I had so much regret about not paying attention to what I already knew. I thought I was giving giving Elle Woods whole time I was walking around looking like a homeless person. I was very delusional at that time.

    I think this can be applied to a lot of points in life. Do not push yourself too hard because it will not do you any good. Burnout is a warning and you can't get anything done if you do not take the time to rest and try to find ways to take care of yourself. That can be hard to do, especially in an academic setting with deadlines and exams to study for, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. 

I hope someone can taking something from this. Thank you for reading! 🌸 

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The Little Things That Make Life Sweeter

Sometimes I think we spend so much time waiting for the big milestones that we forget how much joy can be found in the little things. A good book, your favorite song coming on, doing your makeup, finding the perfect outfit, watching the sunset, or even getting into bed

Those tiny moments might seem ordinary, but they're often the ones we remember most.

One of my favorite tiny moments is getting to cuddle up with snacks and blankets to watch a good movie after a long week. 

What's one small thing that always makes your day a little sweeter?

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