Still learning

I am a 20 year old girl in college who is trying my best to become a woman. I'm not sure everyone can relate to that but surely anyone can understand that it can be hard at times. This week hasn't really been the best for me because it just seems as if my days are so long. I have been in my head so much and it’s draining me. As soon as I wake up I’m thinking about something I don’t want to think about. I also have organizations that I'm a part of along with assignments and exams and that's any college student but it’s so hard to find the energy to interact with people when I feel so low. 

Lately I've just been feeling embarrassed about every little thing that I do even things in the past and I overthink so much. I overthink about what I'm going to wear, I overthink about what I look like, I overthink about who may see me and after a long day of being in my head I have to come home and I have to take care of myself. I have to shower and eat and study when all I really want to do is crawl in the bed and pretend like I don’t exist but if I allow myself to do that I’ll be digging a hole that is not easy to get out of. So I have to put extra energy into not allowing myself to feel what I feel or else I’m jeopardizing everything else. I’m sure you can imagine that feels pretty heavy throughout the week.

All of this makes me begin to dislike myself because I don't understand why I can't just be normal. I am so sick of being me sometimes. 

On top of that, this week I didn't do so well on an exam that I had. I didn't do bad but I didn't do as well as I expected to and it just felt like all the effort I put towards studying was all for nothing and it just sucked because I am so sick of feeling like a failure. It’s as if no matter how hard I try I'm not a good student only a decent one and it sucks because I have so many things I want to do in my career and I’m trying so hard but I feel like I'm never going to get there because undergrad has been so hard for me. Not to mention we live in a world where the color of my skin and being a woman sets me back ten places behind everyone else.

I know that I'm only 20 years old and my life has barely started but sometimes I just feel as if I'm ready for it to be over because I’m already so tired. I am so sick of being in college and I know that I should appreciate these times because right now I'm young and I have so many things I don't have to worry about. I just feel as if I'm ready for it to be over because I'm ready to stop worrying about stuff like exams and grades. 

Another reason my week was so bad is because I just feel as if I come off as this person that I don't necessarily like and it just sucks because I am a nice person but I know for a fact that I intimidate people and I come off kind of mean and it’s not because I mean to but because I for one am an awkward person but also I just want to be left alone but I think that gives a message that I am not welcoming all together. On top of that I have not been in a good mood because this luteal phase got me feel so ugly. Like I don’t want anyone looking at me. I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame right now. 

Needless to say all this stuff has just gotten me to a point where I don't necessarily like certain things about myself and that's my awkwardness and my tendency to overthink everything. I'm sick of feeling embarrassed and bad about stuff but I'm also doing it to myself and that's part of the reason why my relationship with myself isn't the best right now. 

I'm not sure I have some great inspirational message this week but I can say that it's okay to not always feel the best. I'm still learning about how to be kind and patient with myself and this particular week I haven’t been doing a great job because I’ve been tired and my confidence isn’t the best lately. I learned from past experience that when I feel like this I neglect myself and that always leads to disaster. Learning from this has been a process but I want to be able to have a bad week without making myself the villain. 

As tired as I am, I don't want to give up on my life and I still have so many things I want to do.  I'm really sad right now but everything is temporary and it's not always going to be like this. So I'm going to get up and wash all my sadness off and then study because I still have responsibilities. I'm going to make myself something to eat and give myself the rest of my night to just feel my emotions because that's my way of being a little kinder to myself today. 

I hope all of you had great weeks and if you didn't I hope that you continue to not give up. There's nothing wrong with being a little down. It’s only wrong when you decide not to get back up. 

Thank you for reading!🌸

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