I read and I keep up with my hobbies because they remind me that there is a life outside of my responsibilities and they keep me grounded. I love reading because it is a way to experience new worlds and escape reality for a bit. I had to learn the hard way that when you put your all into your work it causes you more stress than it's worth and your life being based on your responsibilities is not a healthy thing. That's why I take my hobbies and life outside of school so seriously.
I really needed that comfort week because I had a lot of things to do, a lot of decisions to make, and it was just one of those weeks where I really had to be an adult. On top of that I am still struggling with confidence and being myself. I had to exert myself a lot this week and put myself out there and of course that caused me to be in my head a lot. I have a tendency to overthink my interactions and how people perceive me.
I really am trying to grow up because I don't want to be one of those people who never took on their responsibilities and opportunities the way they should have just because they couldn’t stand being uncomfortable. I try to do what I have to do despite not wanting to. That's how life is and if I were to not do something because I simply wasn't feeling like it I would never get anything done and I wouldn't be where I am.
So of course with all of these things I had to do I look forward to going home and reading a book at the end of the day or something that separates me and my responsibilities. I started reading a book called Bunny and I didn't like it. It was probably the first time in a while that I started a book and I couldn't get into it. I wasn't into the writing style as much as I liked the plot. Apparently the writing style is intentional but intention doesn't make it effective and it just wasn't good to me.
It took me I think three or four days to find a book I liked. I went through multiple and it was causing me a great amount of stress. I never realized until this week how heavily I depend on reading. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing that it was genuinely wanting to cry because I didn't have a book to read after a long day of being me. Books are my cigarettes I guess.
I didn't have my distraction and I was being particularly hard on myself and my anxiety felt so much worse than it usually does because my coping mechanisms weren't something that I had at my disposal like I usually do. It made me realize a lot about myself and as much as it sucked in the moment I'm kind of grateful that I saw it because I feel like I know myself a little better after this extremely difficult week.
I think what I learned this week is that I still have a lot to learn and despite being self aware about the things that I need to grow from it is still going to take time. I can be honest and say I am not enjoying life too much right now and that's okay because that's a part of how things go.
I try to focus on the things that I do have instead of the things I don’t but this week I didn’t feel like it and I wanted to complain and be a little ungrateful because that's truly how I felt. Yes I’m grateful for my education and so many other things but sometimes I really don’t care. What I feel is normal and I don't have to feel guilty for it. I'm not a weak person for not always feeling my best or being confident in who I am. One of the most important parts about where I am in life right now is that I know I still have a lot of growing up to do and I have to mend my relationship with myself. That's important but easier said than done.
I can say that one of my favorite things about myself is that I'm an extremely ambitious and determined person and I do not give up even when I'm supposed to. I may not feel great right now and as much as I want to crawl into my bed and not move I don't because deep down I love myself more than I may recognize at times and I still want to make a good life for myself.
I will grow and learn. I will graduate college and earn my degree. I will do all the things that I dream of doing because I am who I am. I live the life I live because I am an extremely strong and dedicated person and that is something that I will always appreciate about myself. Confidence may be something that is difficult to come by for me but that’s okay.
Yes I may be overly insecure about everything and I overthink the smallest interactions constantly. I'm a big ball of anxiety but that doesn't define me, it only makes me human. I'm not perfect, I cannot expect myself to be. I may struggle with certain aspects but that does not negate my strengths.
I think it just goes to say that it's important to be self-aware about the things that you need to grow from but do not allow the things that you struggle with erase the best parts of you. I struggle a lot behind closed doors but not everyone sees that and I had to remind myself that only I know when I'm really thinking inside my head and how I really feel. It's not always completely on the surface and right now I think I need to be in a place where I'm okay with faking it until I make it.
I may not have the confidence and the self love that I need but I will get there eventually and until I do I'll make sure to carry myself with whatever bit of strength that I have and remind myself that just because I may not feel the best on the inside doesn't mean it has to show on the outside. I have other things that make me great and one of those things is that I am actively trying to better myself.
That's all I have to say for this week. There will not be a book review but next week I'll get there. I hope the rest of you had great weeks and you're all doing okay.
Thank you so much for reading! 🌸
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