Today I wanted to talk about something that I learned after my first relationship. The Difference Between Being Loved and Being Loved Well. I think it’s important to understand the difference because it keeps you from accepting treatment you do not deserve. I appreciate all the lessons I’ve learned and I wouldn’t change anything but I want to share that knowledge so that maybe someone else doesn’t go through what I went through. This can be applied to relationships of any kind, not just romantic relationships.
INTENTIONS DOES NOT NEGATE IMPACT
I say this because I think that when we are mistreated or feel wronged by someone that we love a lot of the time we want to forgive them so that we’re able to move on and forget it ever happened especially when you know it’s worthy of a breakup. So we accept excuses such as labeling the wrong as a joke or telling yourself their intentions were not to hurt you. Whether that's true or not that doesn’t negate the fact that their actions affected you in a way that they shouldn’t have.
I always told myself that I was dramatic and that's just how he was. I may be dramatic and he may have been someone who jokes in a way that I didn’t appreciate all the time but actions at your expense don’t have to be something that you accept and you have every right to say something.
When I would bring it up and express how I feel I had to fight to receive an apology which I didn’t always get and before that my feelings were always made into something small and unimportant. That's just manipulation. When someone completely invalidates how you feel and says things like “I’m sorry YOU felt that way” or “YOU took it wrong”, that's putting blame on you for their actions that negatively affected you. That's not how it works and that is someone I suggest getting far away from because trying to change them is never worth it.
I ignored situations like that for so long and I look back and cringe at the amount of disrespect I allowed myself to go through. I always let it pass because I didn’t want to lose him but because of that it showed him that I would put up with his actions and there would be no consequences. I always forgave no matter how bad I felt because putting up with the disrespect was easier than going through a breakup.
I learned that a person is going to make mistakes and no one will perfectly follow your boundaries, at least not the first time but it should take one time for you to communicate how you feel and there should be change after that. Do not allow someone to continuously commit actions that hurt you. That is someone who has no respect for you or your feelings.
I think anyone can relate to falling for someone's potential rather than who they really are. There have been plenty of times where I have a small crush on someone and it fades just as quickly as it came because they didn’t meet my expectations for who I thought they were.
That goes for people you are in relationships with too. I had expectations for my relationship that were never met. I thought about dates, and they way that I thought we should be but that relationship was everything but the case. I really wanted him to be something that he wasn't. He was never going to be the man that I deserved because he never wanted to be that for me and that's the reality that is important to recognize. Sometimes someone isn't that person for you and they know they're not and they are not willing to change.
There were so many instances where I was purposely and blatantly disrespected and changes could have been made, actions could have been better and they were never improved because he simply never cared enough about me or respected me enough to be a better partner. A small example is: I remember talking about how I always liked chivalry like men opening doors for women. Sometime later he purposely walked towards my door and pretended to open it but never did and went right into the driver's seat. He did that because he knew opening my door would have meant something for me and he used it to hurt my feelings. I saw the smile on his face when he did that. That is a clear example of someone knowing that they could treat you better but they simply just don't want to and they even enjoy not doing it.
I wanted this relationship to be what I always imagined but it wasn't for a multitude of reasons and I think it is very common for anyone to be blinded by the fact that there is potential to have the relationship that you want so much so that you don't recognize that you're never going to get it at least not from the person you're with. You always have hope that change is going to come and things will get better but at some point you have to see that you can't make someone change when they are dead set on staying the same, especially when you've never given them a consequence for their actions.
In the end I had to take some of the blame for certain aspects of that relationship because had I not accepted the disrespect that I did I probably wouldn't have been in that relationship for so long but also I would have not gone through so much disrespect to begin with. I was blinded by the hope that someday he would love me enough to stop hurting me.
Do not allow the fantasy of what you think your relationship could look like to keep you from seeing that it doesn't have to be with the person that you love and sometimes it shouldn't be. Love isn't always the answer as to why you should be in a relationship with someone and having to hope that someone will change their actions when they repeatedly show you that they never will is not love.
Love is practice, consistency, consideration, and being understood. You should not only feel loved by someone but you should be able to see it in their actions and how they treat you. You should be able to know that someone loves you by the way that they speak to you, the way that they talk about you and how they bring you into consideration.
I say this because it is very common to think that because we feel loved and because we feel like we love someone that we don't pay attention to how it is displayed to us. That is how we begin to accept the bare minimum. You can love someone and still not treat them correctly. Love is in someone's actions as well. It doesn't matter how much someone may say that they love you, it will never be the same as being shown that they love you.
There have been plenty of times where I would receive apologies and I would be told that I'm loved but then I completely question how it's possible I was loved by him when his actions continuously hurt me and I never felt as if that love was shown to me. There are plenty of people in this world who may not always know how to verbally express that they care for you but the way that they show it makes up for the lack of being told.
After my experience I now refuse to accept anything less than what I know that I deserve. A relationship is not something that I need, it is something that I am open to and I have to remind myself that I don't have to accept anything less than what I deserve just to be in a relationship with someone. There is not enough loneliness on this earth to put up with anyone's disrespect whatsoever. I have standards that deserve to be met and if they cannot be met by the person I expect to put forth that's fine but I do not have to accept it because what one person doesn't want to do another is willing. It just means that they are not meant for me and I would rather be alone than be with someone I shouldn’t be with.
WHAT IT MEANS TO BE LOVED WELL
To be loved well is to be respected. Respect is to me the most important aspect of being loved by someone. It doesn't matter how much someone tells you they love you and it doesn't matter how many apologies you may receive when someone doesn't respect you they do not love you and it will always be shown in their actions.
Pay attention to the way that someone treats you. Pay attention to the way someone talks to you. There are simple ways that someone shows you how they truly feel about you; you just have to PAY ATTENTION. All the time we let stuff fly by us to keep from confronting things that we already know.
Do not allow the fear of being alone or the love that you have for someone to make you put up with something that you know is less than you. There is NO ONE who is going to be there for you the way that you are. It is true that we accept the love that we think we deserve. If you are allowing someone to disrespect you it is because YOU don’t respect YOURSELF. Fix your mindset so that you can begin to allow yourself to be loved the way that you know is right for you.
Everyone wants different things in relationships. We cannot expect anyone to be perfect because there's no such thing as perfect people but what you can expect is patience and consistency in the effort of trying to learn you and vice versa. Things can improve over time and that's what they're supposed to do but when bad situations continue to be bad situations that is not what a relationship is supposed to be. When you tell someone that their actions hurt you they should change. It’s that simple. Arguments about the same thing over and over is not what a relationship is supposed to be. Someone continuously doing something that they know you do not like is not what a relationship is supposed to be. Someone speaking to you in a way that they know you do not like IS NOT WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS SUPPOSED TO BE.
Stop accepting love that is less than what you want and what you deserve. You are allowed to want certain things and to have certain expectations for the relationship that you were in. Someone who says or believes that they can’t meet your expectations just isn't someone that's meant for you no matter how hard you may want it to work that's the truth and that's okay because I promise you in the long run you're going to regret trying to fit someone into a mold that they are not made for.
I resented myself for a while for not seeing it sooner because I went through so much pain that wasn't necessary. Now as much as I still dislike what I went through, it's an important lesson that I am glad I learned very early. I'm grateful for that because there are people in this world who are in their 40s and 50s and 60s in relationships where they are not respected and a lot of them wish that they left sooner.
I don't want to be in my late age wishing that I had the courage to leave when I was younger. I don't want to watch my life flash before my eyes being with the incorrect person. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone who wants a relationship but I think what keeps people from being with the right person is the fact that they're too busy stuck in a relationship with the wrong person.
Toxic relationships or something that's extremely common and they are hard to let go of but it's so worth the pain and the grief to escape from someone who does not love you. I now know what I want and I know what that does and doesn't look like and when I'm ready I will be able to recognize when I am being loved and being loved well.
I hope that this helps whomever may need it. Receive the courage and strength that you need to change the way you allow yourself to be loved.
Thanks for reading, SSQ!🌸
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